Remembering Bailey Severiano
Saying Goodbye
It’s hard to believe that it’s been almost two months without our precious dog, Bailey. Despite so many happy things happening, the world is just a bit darker without this wonderful light in our lives.
It was a loss we feared and never wanted to experience, though inevitably we knew one day it would come. But we weren’t prepared to lose our beloved companion at 10.5 years old, after an unexpected cancer diagnosis, and just four weeks to cope and say goodbye.
One day he was himself, and very quickly he wasn’t. It was heartbreaking to worry about whether he was in pain, but this happy and loving little dog was mostly himself until the end. For those that don’t know, we found out only at the end of April that Bailey’s signs of stomach pain were more serious than our typical trip to the local vet - and we had plenty of those over the years.
An ultrasound confirmed there were tumors, and the diagnosis was terminal. The vet believed he had Hemangiosarcoma, which is a terribly aggressive cancer of the blood vessels. We only had a month with him before his cancer progressed to a point where we could see a drastic decrease in his quality of life, and ultimately made the decision to spare him any more pain, and put him to sleep. One of the most difficult choices we’ve ever had to make as a family.
This loss has been devastating for our family. His absence has created a void in every empty corner of our home where he used to lay. It’s hard not to arrive to our house and picture him sitting by the front door waiting for us. Or envision him laying on his back, legs straight up in the air on the chair. Leaning over the top of the couch to peer out to the street. Cozying up in my parents bed each night. Hearing him bark as the neighborhood dogs approach. And adorably pawing at any door that separated us.
These are just a few moments each day that we got used to. All of these moments were always noticed and noted in our house, celebrated even. And it’s all these little moments that we will miss so much.
Processing Loss
I’ve been looking for a way to relate this pain to something I know or understand. And I have to say that’s been hard to do, but it feels in some ways like losing a family member. So many of the feelings I’ve felt while coping with the loss of my pet have felt as real and haunting as dealing with an illness or loss of a human being.
More than ever before, I understand the sorrow I’ve seen other families go through when losing a dog - because they are loved ones just the same. You live with your pet, care for your pet, and interact with them daily. They depend on you, and you depend on them. They are family in every sense of the word.
This loss has had dimensions. Sometimes the memories of him overwhelm me with emotion. Sometimes when I’m trying to focus and push this sadness out of my mind, a thought will come forward and bring me to tears. I find myself keeping busy just to avoid the feelings that I dwell in when I think too much about not being able to cuddle and kiss him again.
In some ways I’ve felt angry. It’s made me question why this happened to him, and to us. Shouldn’t we have had more time together? Didn’t he deserve a more peaceful ending, without pain and fear? Were we robbed from the plans and memories we imagined him being a part of?
But when I started to really think about it, life is not often fair when it comes to death. And circumstances could have also been much worse - he could have been younger, involved in a tragic accident, or we could have had less time to say goodbye.
Though I tend to be a positive person, I have to be honest here and say I can not find many silver linings. This swift illness was cruel to him and heartbreaking for our family. But I know that having closure is important when coping with death. So I will say that I’m grateful that he was ours, for our time together, and for our chance to say goodbye.
I’m also grateful to have my family and support system to lean on during this difficult time. We each have hard days, and we’re lucky to be able to openly share our feelings as we cope. And to each be heard and validated. Though it’s healthy to move forward, it’s hard to move on.
I know that together we can slowly continue to heal. One day it will be easier to remember Bailey, without holding back tears. I look forward to laughing again about all the adorable and funny things he did, and remembering his wonderful life with them.
Meaning Behind Man’s Best Friend
It’s hard to define what he meant to our family, and the only way I can think to describe it is that he was our family. He was a baby brother to me. He cared for me deeply. He was in tune with my feelings, and when I was sad or anxious he would come sit by me and comfort me. When I was happy he would smile, and wag his tail.
I think we have all had private moments with Bailey where we felt like he knew what we were going through, and how to console us. Like an unspoken language. Through sickness, through heartbreak, through fear and anxiety. He was a little guy with a strong calming presence, and he somehow made you feel safe and sound.
The way he would greet us after being a part for a few hours, was as excited and joyous as being a part for days or weeks. As attached as we were to him, he was to us. We were completely in love. And maybe that’s partly because my family never had a dog before Bailey.
My mom is allergic to pet dander and we couldn’t have a dog or cat in the house. Therefore we had a series of smaller pets as little kids like guinea pigs, rabbits and hamsters to hold us over.. Though cute, we quickly grew out of this rodent phase around age 7. It wasn’t until we were teenagers that we started researching hypoallergenic dogs, and planting the seeds with our parents. It took some time but they eventually entertained the idea.
When we first saw Bailey, it was like finding the missing puzzle piece to our family. He was truly a perfect gift for us, and we feel so lucky that we found each other.
The Power of Memories
It has comforted me to think of all the happy times that we had with Bailey. He brought joy into every single day… even at the darkest times of our lives, he was a welcomed distraction.
Some days it’s hard to handle these profound feelings of loss that these memories cause. But when I feel one of these waves of emotion pull me under, I try to find a happy memory to keep me afloat. There are so many to choose from.
Like typical “parents” or older siblings - anything he did, we thought was cute. We could watch him all day long, would send photos of him constantly, and count the hours until we would see him next.
I guess you could say he lived a very full life because of this. In the time we had with him, we enjoyed and celebrated him, and we didn’t take our time with him for granted.
We have thousands of photos and videos to look back on and I hope that one day we’re grateful to have them all. But I think what I really want is for all of my memories that I have of him to never dull, and that they always feel as sharp in my mind as they do now.
His scent, the feeling of his kisses or his fur under my fingers, the sound of his little snores at night. I desperately don’t want to forget.
And so I’m taking note of some of my favorite memories of Bailey.
When Bailey Became Ours
His story starts when I was 19 years old, my sophomore year of college at the University of Delaware. My brother had just started at Fordham University, and with the two of us gone the lively home of ours turned unnaturally quiet.
After years of my siblings and I trying to convince my parents to get a dog, the roles suddenly reversed. My parents were feeling the fall out of becoming first time empty nesters. The idea of them no longer having “Mom and Dad” responsibilities sparked a greater interest in having something else to take care of. And lucky for us, we all agreed we needed a dog.
After conducting some research we decided to explore getting a Cavapoo or something equally as small and cute. So over Thanksgiving break In 2010 we took a trip to a pet store in Scarsdale, just to get some ideas. We walked around the shop for a few minutes pointing at some adorable fluffy pups, but didn’t see any Cavapoos like we had hoped.
From the back of the store my dad called us over and said “I think I found a few back here guys!” When we saw the enclosed area of several white and black puppies we started freaking out - because there was our boy.
Now don’t get me wrong.. there were several adorable dogs to choose from, one particularly endearing pup with a lazy eye was the closest competition but trust me when I say that we saw Bailey and just knew... we couldn’t leave without him. We hadn’t planned on getting a puppy that second, maybe not even that year. But sometimes you just know. We filled out the paperwork and bought him that day on the spot.
We arranged to pick him up the next morning so that we could set up our home for a new dog. When we went back the next day, he had been freshly washed for us and donned a fresh blue bandana. I remember the sales associate passing him to my Mom, as in “he’s yours now” and she hugged him close and said how good he smelled!
I held him in my arms on the way home. He was shaking slightly, nervous by the strangers and change in scenery. Despite his anxiousness he cuddled into my lap, and I wished I could tell him how loved he was already. The rest was history!
The Little Things
There are so many great memories, but it’s especially all the little moments I had with him that are most special. The lazy days spent cuddling on the couch watching a movie… our after dinner walks.. the morning wake ups. The belly rubs and the snuggles. All these sweet memories that filled our days with happiness.
But there are some moments that will always define Bailey in my mind.
Bailey loved to give his friends a warm welcome. I will always remember the way he’d greet me when I came home after several weeks. He would squeal at me until I knelt down on the ground so he could jump up with his paws on my shoulders and get a really good grip on my face... then proceed to lick my entire mouth to cheek to cheek, especially sticking his tongue up my nose (because that’s the deepest level of love right!?) I couldn’t deny him this happiness!
Bailey was so cute, he was even the cover star of the acclaimed picture book “Where’s Bailey?” - much like “Where’s Waldo” but way more adorable and fun. My brother Alex created this for our family a few years ago and we love reading it with our little cousins, who can’t believe there’s a real book about Bailey!!
Bailey loved taking a drive in the car. But especially when he recognized that he was on his way to visit someone he loved. He would get so excited when we drove towards my grandmas house, and he knew the quick route so well that he would immediately start barking and try to jump into the front seat from blocks away.
Bailey loved people, but he did not love most dogs. We joked that Bailey thought he was a human like us. He enjoyed other white fluffy dogs like him, but he would bark at all the big dogs on the street as if he had no reason to fear them. He made exceptions for his friends though, like his neighborhood crush Phoebe, his King Cavalier cousin Riley, his bff from Portland, Chloe, and his former Golden Retriever neighbor Bodie. The latter had some neighborhood arch nemesis, a local poodle and a husky, and in solidarity Bailey decided to hate them too. Those poor owners had to avoid our block our face our little ones wrath of barking for a solid 10 minutes. He was the neighborhood watch!!
Bailey loved to sit on a chair at the table like a human, especially next to someone who might crack after he begged long enough and give him a piece of chicken or some scraps off their plate. He would often “get lucky” with this technique at my grandmas house. And he knew I had a soft spot and would cave and share too.
Bailey had epilepsy, which we found out about when he was a puppy. After waking up or getting too excited his back legs would lock up and seize, rendering him temporarily paralyzed. Some seizures were awful, but he was a fighter and after some time resting and being comforted he would hear a noise on the street and jump back up! For this reason he took daily medication with his morning and evening meals which reduced his number of seizures and their severity. We’d feed them to him in a ball of cheese, and he always thought they were a treat. Despite this health condition he was still active and fairly energetic for his breed!
Bailey had many human and relatable traits, one being his anxiety. His stress surrounding the vet, the groomer, the poodle on our block, thunderstorms and fireworks was very real and had to be addressed. Loud noises caused him to flee to the lowest point in the house, screeching in fear. After too many fourth of July’s spent in the basement with him, wide awake and shaking like a leaf, he was diagnosed for anxiety and received “doggy Xanax” for his episodes. We would always joke that between his sensitive digestion and anxiety that he was truly one of the Severiano’s.
Bailey was the protector of our home. Anyone who wanted to enter the house had to come through him first, and he would dictate whether he was trusting or suspecting. After the initial barks to alert us that someone was coming, and the quality bonding time that followed, he was a complete softy and would melt into your lap. These exceptions included our long time mailman and friend Reggie, whom he never could quite stop barking at. But even Reggie loved him.
Bailey hated water, and he was not a water dog. He loved his walks, but often wouldn’t go out in the rain. The same thing went for the pool and he had never had an interest in swimming in our backyard, or getting a bath. They only time that he dipped his toes in the ocean he ran RIGHT BACK out to Mom.
Bailey was like a grandkid to my Grandma and Nonno, and a nephew to my Aunt Susan. For most of his life they picked him up every afternoon and watched him, walked him, and fed him until the first person to get home from work in my household would pick him up. He was never alone for long, and never boarded or left with strangers.
When my Nonno was sick with dementia, he one time swore he spotted a little sheep outside on the lawn. We disregarded it at first, until we looked through the window and saw Bailey playing on the grass with my Dad. He really did look like a little fuzzy sheep, and we laughed for ages about that bizarre moment of clarity.
Bailey had a propensity for caring for other things. He nurtured his “babies” which were a mixture of our childhood stuffed animals and the massive amount of dog toys we had purchased for him. He could always be found licking them clean like a Dad would do to a pup. He’d “grab a friend” with him to go to bed every night. It was usually his beloved Duckie, but we always giggled when he’d surprise us by grabbing ‘someone’ unexpected.
Bailey loved to unwrap presents on Christmas. For this reason we would gift him some wrapped dog toys as a treat every Christmas morning. But no matter what we gave him, he spent the rest of Christmas tearing apart the wrapping paper off the floor and having a ball.
Bailey celebrated my engagement with a wonderful surprise. While celebrating the next weekend at our home, my sister decked him in an bandana that read “I Loved Her First”. It was the perfect gift from my family.
Bailey was a fashionista, and always donned an adorable outfit. Whether that was a seasonal sweater, a halloween costume, a Christmas outfit or even just donning a bandana - he always looked sharp and dressed the part. We also made sure to get some photos of him throughout the year that would be incorporated into his annual holiday calendar! All of Bailey’s biggest fans would receive this calendar as a Christmas present. It was the highlight of his year to give this gift, especially to his Aunt Sue!
Bailey was a suburban dog, but he did rendezvous in the city a few times! He loved visiting me in New York — seeing my apartment and barking at the cat next door. Taking a walk around Madison Square Park. And joining us at an outdoor lunch… until he’d make contact with another dog and GO CRAZY.
Bailey’s Birthday was September 24th, and he was birthday buddies with his brother Alex. We celebrated it every year. They turned 21 together, but Bailey in dog years of course ;) But last year was extra special — We celebrated his 10th birthday with a fun pawty! Decorations, treats, and his best friends! I’m so happy that we decided to throw him a blowout then.
Bailey was spoiled to have his parents and siblings home so much during Covid, but really we were the lucky ones. He was there for us each when we needed him. He was a welcomed distraction from the terror we were watching on our tv’s, and a comfort for our anxious family. He was company when my family was isolated. And when I found out that I was furloughed, I leaned into responsibilities of taking care of Bails. And then similarly he was my dads companion when he retired early.
Bailey was a family guy, and his favorite place was home. With us.
After we found out about Bailey’s diagnosis, we were told we might have a few months with him at most, but sometimes only weeks. Luckily, for the first time in eight years I was in the process of changing jobs, and had two full weeks off of work between roles. I went home to spend as much time with him as I could, knowing time was precious. We had wonderful days together, especially in the beginning of May when he was feeling more like himself. He was there to celebrate my 30th birthday. I showed him pictures of my wedding dress. He celebrated Mother’s Day with my mom, and even my parents Anniversary. In his last month, he got to be a part of some important moments, and we’ll remember every one of them.
In Loving Memory
Losing Bailey has been hard, and through this process I’ve realized it’s ok to feel all these emotions, like sadness, because its what’s real. I loved him. And that’s what happens when you cope with missing someone you love.
I like to picture his little face peering from the bottom of my bedroom window, just as I would see every time I pulled out of the driveway. Or him sending me off in the open doorway, standing between my family. When I miss Bailey the most, I try to conjure up one of these happy memories with him. As if he’s not gone, but he’s simply waved me goodbye until our next visit.
In some ways I feel he is still here with us, watching over and protecting our family, as he had always done.
Thank you for everything, Bailey.
Dedicated to Bailey Severiano
September 24th, 2010 - May 29th, 2021
Though this is not my typical blog post, it felt important for me to cover a topic that I know everyone has had to struggle with at one point or another. Whether it’s a family member, a friend, a pet, a classmate or coworker, an acquaintance, an idol.. losing someone that means something special or important to you is never easy. Though I’ve experienced loss and grieving before, I honor that I have my own way of coping and everyone handles death and loss differently. Some people may think this is a dramatic and depressing topic to write about, and that’s ok because I wrote it for myself. For my own way of coping, remembering and honoring a huge part of my life.
It wouldn’t feel right to simply continue on posting about my next travels or new adventures without honestly addressing this change and impact it’s had on me.
Though it’s an emotional post, I know I’ll come back to it often to remember my beloved Bails.
Xx Gab