A poem on my experience with miscarriage

Two days ago I was a Mom. 

Not by the infant in my arms, but by the life growing inside me.

After months of planning, and waiting…

Tests that told us when to try; and many that told us to keep trying.

Then in June we saw two pink lines.

Ultrasounds. Bloodwork; Congratulations. 

In that moment everything changed; I became a Mom.

Two souls at home in one body.

Few knew how different my world had become.

Whispering our secret until it was safe to share. 

As your little life grew, my heart grew too.

Passing hot summer days. Blood stains.

In my sea of worry and doubt that ate at me: 

Hope came in the sound of a heartbeat. Small but strong.

Still not out of the woods, but the days continued on, and you grew.

We made plans; a list of names, and doctors to deliver you. 

Toured homes for a family of three.

Dad gave kisses for you on my belly every night. 

Reassuring us daily, we are tough and we’ll be ok.

Today I’m no longer a Mom. 

No heartbeat, not a sound. 

I carried you all summer. Just to let you down.

At some point you went silent but you never went away.

You stayed with me, as if you didn’t want to leave yet. 

My body didn’t know how to let you go… and my heart will never.

But I had to., little one. They took you away to save me.

Mom: a name you never called me. But the love I had for you made it so.

You never got the chance to meet me. I never held you in my arms.

Two souls intertwined within my body; briefly. 

Fate had different plans, but we will always have this summer.

I know I’ll be missing you, even after I see two pink lines.

It’s hard to forget the first time you felt a new life expand within you. 

The first time I became Mom.