Oops I did it again… using this blog more as a diary. I somehow find myself using this space to share thoughts that most people would never put on display. Turns out that I find it most interesting, and most natural, to get personal.

If that’s ok with you… read on.

I started to jot down some tips for a first trip with a newborn, but it felt difficult to move my fingers across the keyboard without writing the words I really felt creeping into my consciousness. So before I get back to being a resource for others, it seems important to acknowledge the massive and monumental shift that has happened to me the last 4 months.

I recently became a Mom.

This sentence… I prayed to write it for close to two years. It is the most fulfilling title I have ever held. A name I know my little one won’t call me for some time. But even before she was born, when I spent those 9 months carrying her, I knew I would never be the same again.

She came into this world peacefully, quietly, on a cloudy Tuesday morning and yet.. her entrance turned my world turned upside down. Even though I prepared to feel so much love for this little being, she shifted me in ways I never imagined.

I’m a deeply sensitive person; sentimental, nostalgic. But when I looked at my daughter for the very first time, it felt fated. It took me time to really take in her beauty, and her comfort on my chest or in my arms. The realization that this brand new being was not a stranger. She knew I was her Mom… and that feeling ripped through me like a crash of lightening, changing everything I ever thought I knew.

Destiny

We make choices in life. Like your college selection, and your decision to go out with a boy when you are only 21 years old.. not knowing where things will lead. In my case the series of choices that led me to that moment of meeting my daughter all suddenly felt like fate… Looking at her I was actually looking through a window to every moment lived since I was a little girl myself. Had all of it just been meant to lead to this?

I finally understood why people have written so much about destiny, and while humans are spending so much of our lives trying to understand it. We look for it like we could see the decisions laid out in front of us, but it really is never like that when life is unfolding. We don’t get to see a preview of our lives, when we stand in a fork in the road.. we barely even stop to imagine the different life we could have lived if we went the other way. Sometimes we look back at these moments with more clarity later in life, but not everyone is afforded that same chance.

I realized quickly that as much as we try to control our choices, the future, and what happens with our lives.. there are also elements of fate we have to surrender to. I’ve always tried to do everything right. Tried to be good, create a life I’m happy to be living, and become a woman I’m proud of. And yet while I was so focused on picking up all of the pieces of me the last 34 years I didn’t realize that I was putting together a puzzle I couldn’t finish alone. I had to get to this very season of life, where I could start adding the missing pieces. My husband. My daughter.

In a world where a lot of things do not make sense, I realized there are things in our human experience on this earth that are simply bigger than us. It could make you feel small to think about how we all get here. We all had to be born into this world by our mother. Yes, there are millions of mothers, and millions of children. But creating life is still a miracle each time just the same. And when a baby is born, that instant bond and connection is wired, and unbreakable. When I looked in my daughters eyes I knew she was destined for me. The realization finally that fate has been at play all this time. That this was perhaps always inevitable.

Ryan and I decided to name her Charlotte.

It was our favorite name for a baby girl long before she arrived, but rather discussed across years of conversations and dreams of a future we volleyed over martini’s, when we were young and far from starting our family. Knowing her now, it suits her perfectly. We’ve been calling her Charlie, for short.

Charlotte is little, but fierce. She is curious and calm. She smiles when she sees me now, and that has filled me with more happiness than I can put into words. When she gently touches my face as I come close it literally brings me to tears. I know she really sees me; how much I love her, and how hard I’m trying.

I will spend the rest of my life adoring this child. This sweet girl has made me a better person already. This is my purpose and my joy.

I hear so many women share how they lost themselves in motherhood; it’s demands and responsibilities take so much from us and there is little time for anything else. Especially working mothers. But I am glad to see that 4 months postpartum I have never felt so grounded in myself. In who I am. I have found confidence and strength in me, and I find myself worrying much less about the little things and what people may think. I just want to give Charlotte the best life imaginable.

I will always write about the things that I love here, but I may add some new perspective on motherhood too!

I’m just as passionate about traveling and making memories in beautiful places around the world.. I look forward to doing so with my family. My recent trip with Charlotte was one of the best vacations I’ve ever had, and seeing her accomplish so many new things for the first time.

Running is both still my favorite way to move my body postpartum, and I will continue to hold goals for myself. My first few jogs after giving birth have reminded me of my resilience. I look forward to building more strength, and one day training for another marathon.

Designing a beautiful house I enjoy coming home to, going to concerts, and making the most of having New York City in my own backyard are still my favorite ways to pass the time.

The last few months on maternity leave have had one focus.. raising my daughter.

I have poured my love into her.

I have given her intentional focus and attention, so she can develop and learn.

Some sleepless nights.

Some lessons learned.

Calls to mom for help.

I have taken this rare time as an opportunity for growth myself as well. It has been some of the most special and important months of my life. I’ll always be grateful for this time I could spend with her. It’s now coming to an end in a few short weeks, but it was so good while it lasted.